Tuesday, June 26, 2012


Follow your heart. The grass is always greener. If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten. 

There are so many wonderful sayings to guide us through a happy life. But lately, instead of gleaning inspiration from them, they are jacking my flow and putting me in a never ending mind spin.

Let me explain.

Follow your heart. My heart tells me to teach and draw and read and create and take my kids to the zoo. My responsibilities laugh and remind me that the zoo isn't going to add to the college fund, and neither is a pencil sketch. So I do the closest thing to following my heart, which is work a job that pays actual money but allows me to work from home 75% of the time. Not exactly following my heart, because in this scenario my heart is like a three-year-old, fervently tugging at my hand, trying to pull me in another direction (toward the polar bears) while I lean the opposite way into my decision (or somewhere I can access wifi)...but I suppose it's close.

And here's an extra twist to the mind spin: Does working from home 75% of the time which allows me to do the things I love to do like take the girls to swimming and ballet and basketball camp mean that it's okay that I'm only partially focused on them because in the back of my mind I'm worried about making it back home for that phone meeting? I still can't just go chill at the yogurt shop and enjoy the summer sun because I've got to answer email from my phone. That is, if I can keep my thoughts straight while I've got Nine wondering aloud (loudly) how come I get to be on my phone all the time (uh...because it's mine?) and how come she can't get on there to text Daddy and play games and take pictures of God knows what, and I've got Eight...

(Oh! Announcement! Seven turned Eight a couple weeks ago! That's why I haven't been writing! I've been celebrating her turning Eight and no longer whining! Oh wait...the Eight part is here, the whining, well, it still is too. WTF kid?)

...hammering away at me, wisely realizing that if she asks me over and over again like a skipping record if she can turn the TV on because she's soboredandthereisnothingtodoandpleasemommyipromisetobegood because she knows full well that when I'm trying to email people and schedule meetings and chat with my boss on IM and keep Nine away from my iPhone that my answer will be a distracted nod yes.

Really, is any of the madness outlined above good for anyone's heart or their intent to follow it?


The grass is always greener. Is it? There's a lot I'd change about my day to day, but that's all just fluff. The core of my life is exactly my favorite color of green already. (It goes perfectly with my eyes.) The traveling husband is a nut job sometimes but God help me, I love him. I've been staring at his pretty face for twenty years, and he slipped those diamonds around my finger 11 years ago, and he still manages to make me laugh and make my heart go pitter-pat. The kids are healthy, the parents are living and everyone is crazy but nobody is taking medication for it yet, so there's that.

But back to the fluff. Who doesn't want a bigger house or more stuff? That's why they sell magazines with retouched pictures of nicer yards, better clothes, prettier living rooms, more functional organizing systems for your garage...it's because everyone who looks at those images thinks, yeah, I want to fix/make/have that. I look around the little house we live in and everywhere my eyes land I think, I want to paint there, hang that differently, change that, fix those, move this...and all I need are some more frames and plants and rugs and furniture and lighting and shelves and FLUFF. So what if fluff was greener than the whatever it is I have now, and I got it all? I wandered over to the greener, fluffier side of the lawn? At what expense? It all costs money (which means more work), plus then I'd have more to clean, and more to fritz over when Nine and Eight spill their snacks, and I'd have to remember to water things...and then there I am, right in the middle of a mind spin, talking myself out of the things I think I want, and reminding myself why I don't really need any of it. (But I still sort of want it all...)

Which brings me to my last spinning top and before I get into that, did you really think that after not writing for a few weeks that this post would be short and sweet? Lord have mercy, all of this has been mentally stacking up like bills, just getting ready to teeter right over, and then I walked over to it and blew on it like a candle and BOOM.


If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten. One of my favorite sayings really. It just gets right to the point doesn't it? You don't like the size of your ass? Stop eating Oreos in bed. Want your house to be cleaner? Don't walk by dust bunnies made of dog hair and pretend you don't see it wafting around your ankles. However. Last week I drank protein shakes twice a day FOR A WHOLE FOUR DAYS and I didn't lose an inch or a pound. I'm pretty sure I was PMSing though, so maybe it would have worked had my body not been quite so inefficient. Listen midsection, we aren't in famine and we don't need to protect the uterus with a spare tire at this point in time, so let's just drop the water weight and slim jim it up, shall we?

My point, and I think somewhere in here there might be one, is that no matter what wicked smart gem you're living by at any given moment, there's going to be some part of your brain that talks you into or out of it. Mind spin. Whatever happens, it's God's plan - so if you decide to just chill on the couch instead of work, then apparently God wants you to be ghetto-fabulous. Run with it (in Jesus' name).

Okay, so possibly there was no point. But at least I cracked open the blog and wrote again. My ovaries, they are a'tremblin', and my uterus, she is a'cleansin'. 

What? Considering the title, you're lucky I haven't gone there yet in full, gory detail. I will though. Pins and needles, I know. You're welcome.