Thirty-seven

You guys, I'm dizzy.

I feel like so much around me is just spinning so quickly. And I'm drawn to all of it, because it's all stuff I care about, so I spend my days like a kitten trying to keep her eye on that red light laser pointer. Heart pounding, blinking and staring, shifting focus frenetically from one moving target to another, panic rising and falling. Granted, like a cat, I don't like change that much. It's just not my thing. And there are a lot of things around me that have been the same for a good few years that are now changing. So I'm way off-kilter. And some of the change is kind of scandalous, and I'm a smut-lover, so I can't keep myself from asking, hearing, talking, thinking about it. What will happen next? You think so?? But what if x happens before y? Then what? OMG really?? Is that your phone? Who is it?? And then it's like pins and needles waiting for the next update, the next email, the next hot text to buzz in.

But now the pins and needles have me all pricked up and exhausted. It's hard to hear about freaky things happening to people you care about, and even harder to endure the freaky things yourself, right? Sometimes you end up talking everyone off the ledge, only to turn around and realize your own toes are right up on the edge. So you spend a few moments getting centered, finding balance, and carefully backing away, closer to safety.

I think usually good comes from bad. I believe most things happen for a reason, even if the reason doesn't make itself known for years (or ever). Some things never make much sense and bad things happen to good people, which blows the theory out of the water sometimes. But the karma train always pulls into the station. It's late sometimes, but it's forever on track.

So I wasn't writing, because I needed to take a step back and sit. Sit and wait for the karma train to pull into its stations. Because I feel like not only are things spinning around me - amazing work situations getting twisted, trusted "friends" telling boldfaces lies over the course of a year, other friends being secretly manipulated by business partners, and yet other friends getting fucked by their life partners (and not in the really delicious, horizontal way)...but the whole world is spinning so fast even that superstorms and snowstorms and rainstorms are slamming into the country. Even when I try to escape into a couple blogs I like to read, I'm hit by the spin - they are both now writing about their own crumbling marriages. One of them is doing amazing things for other people, but when you click on her link to see if maybe you want to help, you read horrible stories about all these people in desperate need which creates yet another spin of worry and guilt and fret. It's nuts, I tell you.

But if I turn away from it for just a while, it gives my eyes time to refocus on what's not spinning. And once I hone in on what's steady, I can once again breathe deep and create a thankful space. I can be grateful for what I keep around me. I can simplify without apology. I can listen to music (Bieber, anyone? Keep reading...). Drink tea. Watch leaves fall. Smile even when I don't feel like it, because it feels better afterwards. Linger in the hugs offered up by the smallest members of my family. Relish the bigness and hairy-ness of the puppy who doesn't realize that 120-pound dogs don't belong on my trachea. And yes, relax long enough to indulge in that delicious, horizontal activity with the gorgeous, traveling husband (if either of us can stay awake after our heads hit the pillows). 

Why do we as women internalize so much? Why do our heartstrings tie themselves to everyone we love? Why can't we ever just detach and say, Wow that sucks...good luck with that, and then go back to flipping channels? God, Chicago and I have been dwelling on every minute detail of each other's lives for years now. It's what makes life feel real. If we haven't shared it with each other, it hasn't happened yet.

Maybe life is just like the ocean...except I like life and the ocean scares the bejesus out of me. Wait, life scares my bejesus too. Okay, so life=ocean. Some stuff is so gorgeous and mind blowing, and then there are the sticky monsters the size of your local mall. Also prickly stuff, and poison, and invisible things that you have no idea are upon you until you get zapped, and things (people?) that look pretty but are really, really deadly. By nature they are. They grow beautiful to draw you in and just when you get close enough to really enjoy it, BOOM. Poison prickles all over you. Or, lies and deception. Whichever.

I've been through enough over the last month or so to rethink a whole lot of things. Decisions, relationships, commitments. And I've decided I'm backing away from the deadly, pretty things and backing into the comforts of home. I'm baking pumpkin bread and lighting candles. I'm ordering peppermint mochas in a holiday cup. I'm calling my mom just because hearing her voice makes me feel loved from the bottom of my heart. I'm writing. And I'm going to listen to Justin Bieber. You should too. Here's why:

1. He is adorable. At his concert, I saw full-grown girls, young women really, sobbing hysterically because during the meet and greet, he called them "Love". (Now, Eight and Ten - holy shit you guys, Nine turned Ten last month - are just a couple years and a few hormones shy of the crying over boys phase, so they were bewildered. Justin called Eight "Lil Cutie" and I had to remind her to do a fist bump because it's Justin Freaking Bieber and a once in a lifetime opportunity for the love of Christ. He called Ten "Sugar", I think, but I was so dizzy from life and everything spinning around me and the crying women that I was still thinking in my head "Did he just go in for a hug from me and I shook his hand? Why did I shake his hand? Why not hug it out? He called me "Darlin"; he probably misses his mom and wanted a hug. Maybe because he could be my son and it just felt wrong?". And then the photo op was done (after he called the husband "Big Dog") and we were off to eat chicken tenders and fries, and buy commemorative t-shirts, and watch more girls cry until the show started.)

2. He has good opening acts. Carly Rae Jepsen is cute as a button. And so is Cody Simpson. In case you haven't heard of him, he's an Aussie surfer dude who will now be an Aussie super star, thanks to the Biebs.

3. His concert was totally age-appropriate. His back up dancers didn't look like strippers; they looked like high school dance team members. They wore cute outfits and weren't trying to seduce anyone, they were all about the good energy and the music. Mother-approved. (Jesus, now I feel like I'm wearing mom jeans. I swear I'm not.)

4. Justin wears genie pants. Okay they aren't officially, but his pants have a super long crotch, which he grabs at a lot (which enhances the older girls' sobbing hysteria, no doubt), and I kept thinking maybe he should just get some skinny jeans with some stretch so he doesn't have to do that awkward side leap up the step on the stage. But, a stylist, I'm not. And clearly, he's not an unpopular guy, so, go ahead and rock the custom genie pants, JB.

5. He's different in person than on stage. Now, that could have been the reefer talking (I'm not saying he was high. Perhaps he was just saving his energy and wearing a musky, earthy cologne.), but he was super mellow and cool when we met him, as evidenced by his raised eyebrows, tall cap and sunglasses in our photo. He was also crazy skinny. He looked a lot like Claymation. Then on stage he was all energy and smiles and charm and soul and voice. And I saw a recent picture of him from the Victoria's Secret runway show (seriously, this kid is living a dream) and he had biceps, which from what I saw, had to have been photoshopped in. He seemed more like Gumby to me than he did a macho man, but what do I know.

So today, don't feel bad if closing your eyes against the spin of your world feels good. Don't apologize if listening to Justin (or Keith or Pink or Kelly or Anya) cools your jets today. Get and give hugs, have some tea with your pumpkin bread and breathe deep as you can, because life is good and you're okay and right now, so am I. :)

Peace.

Thirty-four

Follow your heart. The grass is always greener. If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten. 

There are so many wonderful sayings to guide us through a happy life. But lately, instead of gleaning inspiration from them, they are jacking my flow and putting me in a never ending mind spin.

Let me explain.

Follow your heart. My heart tells me to teach and draw and read and create and take my kids to the zoo. My responsibilities laugh and remind me that the zoo isn't going to add to the college fund, and neither is a pencil sketch. So I do the closest thing to following my heart, which is work a job that pays actual money but allows me to work from home 75% of the time. Not exactly following my heart, because in this scenario my heart is like a three-year-old, fervently tugging at my hand, trying to pull me in another direction (toward the polar bears) while I lean the opposite way into my decision (or somewhere I can access wifi)...but I suppose it's close.

And here's an extra twist to the mind spin: Does working from home 75% of the time which allows me to do the things I love to do like take the girls to swimming and ballet and basketball camp mean that it's okay that I'm only partially focused on them because in the back of my mind I'm worried about making it back home for that phone meeting? I still can't just go chill at the yogurt shop and enjoy the summer sun because I've got to answer email from my phone. That is, if I can keep my thoughts straight while I've got Nine wondering aloud (loudly) how come I get to be on my phone all the time (uh...because it's mine?) and how come she can't get on there to text Daddy and play games and take pictures of God knows what, and I've got Eight...

(Oh! Announcement! Seven turned Eight a couple weeks ago! That's why I haven't been writing! I've been celebrating her turning Eight and no longer whining! Oh wait...the Eight part is here, the whining, well, it still is too. WTF kid?)

...hammering away at me, wisely realizing that if she asks me over and over again like a skipping record if she can turn the TV on because she's soboredandthereisnothingtodoandpleasemommyipromisetobegood because she knows full well that when I'm trying to email people and schedule meetings and chat with my boss on IM and keep Nine away from my iPhone that my answer will be a distracted nod yes.

Really, is any of the madness outlined above good for anyone's heart or their intent to follow it?

Now.

The grass is always greener. Is it? There's a lot I'd change about my day to day, but that's all just fluff. The core of my life is exactly my favorite color of green already. (It goes perfectly with my eyes.) The traveling husband is a nut job sometimes but God help me, I love him. I've been staring at his pretty face for twenty years, and he slipped those diamonds around my finger 11 years ago, and he still manages to make me laugh and make my heart go pitter-pat. The kids are healthy, the parents are living and everyone is crazy but nobody is taking medication for it yet, so there's that.

But back to the fluff. Who doesn't want a bigger house or more stuff? That's why they sell magazines with retouched pictures of nicer yards, better clothes, prettier living rooms, more functional organizing systems for your garage...it's because everyone who looks at those images thinks, yeah, I want to fix/make/have that. I look around the little house we live in and everywhere my eyes land I think, I want to paint there, hang that differently, change that, fix those, move this...and all I need are some more frames and plants and rugs and furniture and lighting and shelves and FLUFF. So what if fluff was greener than the whatever it is I have now, and I got it all? I wandered over to the greener, fluffier side of the lawn? At what expense? It all costs money (which means more work), plus then I'd have more to clean, and more to fritz over when Nine and Eight spill their snacks, and I'd have to remember to water things...and then there I am, right in the middle of a mind spin, talking myself out of the things I think I want, and reminding myself why I don't really need any of it. (But I still sort of want it all...)

Which brings me to my last spinning top and before I get into that, did you really think that after not writing for a few weeks that this post would be short and sweet? Lord have mercy, all of this has been mentally stacking up like bills, just getting ready to teeter right over, and then I walked over to it and blew on it like a candle and BOOM.

So.


If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten. One of my favorite sayings really. It just gets right to the point doesn't it? You don't like the size of your ass? Stop eating Oreos in bed. Want your house to be cleaner? Don't walk by dust bunnies made of dog hair and pretend you don't see it wafting around your ankles. However. Last week I drank protein shakes twice a day FOR A WHOLE FOUR DAYS and I didn't lose an inch or a pound. I'm pretty sure I was PMSing though, so maybe it would have worked had my body not been quite so inefficient. Listen midsection, we aren't in famine and we don't need to protect the uterus with a spare tire at this point in time, so let's just drop the water weight and slim jim it up, shall we?

My point, and I think somewhere in here there might be one, is that no matter what wicked smart gem you're living by at any given moment, there's going to be some part of your brain that talks you into or out of it. Mind spin. Whatever happens, it's God's plan - so if you decide to just chill on the couch instead of work, then apparently God wants you to be ghetto-fabulous. Run with it (in Jesus' name).

Okay, so possibly there was no point. But at least I cracked open the blog and wrote again. My ovaries, they are a'tremblin', and my uterus, she is a'cleansin'. 

What? Considering the title, you're lucky I haven't gone there yet in full, gory detail. I will though. Pins and needles, I know. You're welcome.