Monday, January 16, 2012


Things That Make You Go Hmm. 

1. Why don't the good people at Miss America surrender the fantasy and slap an elastic strap on that crown already? Bobby pins are to USA crowns as the first two little pig's houses were to the big bad wolf. No chance. Miss Outgoing could just snap that strap right under the toned, tanned chin of Miss Incoming and that pretty lady can strut her stuff and avoid looking like Dirty Drunk Prom Queen with her running mascara and her precarious tiara. Other suggestions: Make it curved so it sits on her head like a fancy banana? Hot glue it to her extensions? Staple gun? I'm just saying, there's gotta be a better way.

2. Why is it that once a month, when I get The Curse, I also break out like a teenager (and start to eat like one)? Doritos and leftover pizza, anyone? Isn't that a triple whammy? How come each time we're reminded we can give the gift of life, we aren't also given a luminous complexion and a calm, flat tummy? Instead, I look and feel like I've been eating burritos three times a day and not washing my face. WTF, uterus?

3. Is it just me, or do you need to beg your kids to get out of bed on a school day, and then on Saturday and Sunday, when all you want is for them to sleep until 9:30, they're up at 6:15 staring at cartoons? (If your kids have ever slept past 9:00am keep it to yourself. Next you'll launch into how they "slept through the night" at three months, and then we won't be friends anymore, so just shh.)

4. Is it unusual that sometimes, even after a great day, come 6:30pm, I'm wondering if I can figure out how to switch all the clocks forward two hours, so I can put the girls to bed now instead of later and enjoy a quiet, clean house before I pass out?

5. Is it wrong to tell the kids that you know it's already past bedtime, but you need to pile into the car right quick and run up to the Kwik Mart for butter (or some other pantry essential), when what's really happening is you've realized you've got no wine and you reeeally want some? It is? I think sometimes "wrong" is just another way of saying "well played". Because running out of wine is unacceptable, she types wistfully, from her wineless couch in her wineless house, on what has turned out to be a very dry Monday indeed.


  1. Just one of the many reasons why I wish I lived closer to you, because you know I'd bring your ass wine any time of day or night if you would drink with me. I laughed out loud about 5 times while reading this. xo

  2. I like when you laugh out loud. I wish you were laughing out loud in my living room right effing now.