Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Interlude: Grammy edition

Dear Adele,

I know you don't know me (yet?) and I may (or may not) be old enough to be your Mother, and after reading this (who am I kidding, She's not reading this {and YES, She deserves a capital "S"}) you may be tempted to Google "restraining order", but rest assured, I'm not crazy, I'm just hopelessly devoted to you, gorgeous you. And your eyelashes, your brash humor, and the way you say "Fank you" wif such charm and Brit cockney lilt.

Let's just get something straight from the start. You may not have my same dance background, but I think you'll concur. Chris Brown is the male Britney Spears. If he wants to be a dancer, he should dance. Dance his ever-loving ass off. I will sit back and enjoy. If he wants to be a singer, well then, by God, at some point he will have to actually sing. Live. Like in front of people. With his voice. And a microphone. One that turns on. Speaking of which, if he isn't going to sing, he shouldn't wear a mic. He shouldn't even pretend. It's not an accessory, it's actually used to amplify one's voice. Which he isn't currently using. So he shouldn't bother.

(Not to mention, Chris Brown, to use one of your homeland terms, is a wanker. You must think we're crazy in La-la land. And we might be. Because apparently you can sock your girlfriend, and then continue to enjoy success and glory because of a talent that you don't even have to actually employ in public. Amazing. And by "amazing", I mean debatable. At best.)

Next. Sir Paul McCartney is from your dojo. I get it. However. The very old and many times married man skipping around the stage wearing suspenders does not a finale make.

Miscellaneously (if it's not a word, it should be), why do the Foo Fighters get to be on stage (albeit the one outside) THREE times? I love me some Foo, but I would much rather have heard you sing two more times, and I'm not just saying that.

A few more musings:

• Why is Nikki Minaj trying to reenact Madonna's 'Like A Prayer' but with some sort of nouveau twist, inviting the Pope as her date? I didn't understand that one at all. If you spoke to her backstage and can break it down, write me back. 
• Why did Katy Perry come to the Grammys as Smurfette? Aren't we finished there?
• And WTF is Dead Mau5? Is that cool, or is it a digitized Jack in the Box head with ears?


Last, I'm a fan of Lady Gaga. I am. I think she sings the shit out of her acapella version of "Born This Way", and I'm not even going to front, I love "You and I". That said, what is the meaning of that face screen? Normally she looks like what would happen if Barbara Streisand and Amy Winehouse (R.I.P.) had a baby, but two nights ago, she looked like a dolphin who swam full speed into a glittery net. Sort of surprised and pulled back. Did she indulge in too much pre-party and end up trying to put her tights on face first? I felt uncomfortable with that decision, and I'm not even going into the scepter she was holding. She makes me nervous a little bit. Which is probably her goal. So in that case, well done YOU, Lady Gaga. At least when you open your mouth you actually sing.

That's my recap. Granted, I saw it from my couch, in America. I'd love your perspective, Adele. We should probably circle the wagons for a glass of red (or six) and really talk. We don't even have to talk, come to think of it. I'd settle for some time in your presence. It was supposed to happen at your Bay area concert, but then those dastardly polyps ruined everything, so...

Until we meet again. And by "meet", I mean, until another fabulous friend offers to buy me tickets to your next concert and takes me to watch you sing. For real. With your voice. Your fabulous, wonderful, amazing, God-given, angelfaced voice.


Crazy Amy


  1. Aimee! Speechless in your agreement? Someone else wrote to me, dismayed that I didn't mention the Beach Boys/Adam Levine debacle. I stand by my omission because my boy Adam looked genuinely humiliated during the performance. He even held the microphone (which I assume was turned on) down away from his mouth, maybe in the hope that if we couldn't hear him, it would be like he wasn't actually a part of the performance.

  2. I am cracking up! I said EVERYTHING you said to Jason as the show was going. Chris Brown... "You mean we are supposed to forgive this girlfriend beater and then pretend we like his "singing"?? And Sir Paul...didn't we bury him a few years ago? And oh, Adam, the poor, poor soul...was for sure ready to fire the SOB who conned him into that one!
    And I didn't realize that you too are obsessed with my girl, Adele. In fact, Regan really wants to be a singer and I just told her 3 days ago (while listening to Adele in the car) that she MUST learn to sing just like her and imitate everything she does. I'll even move to London with her so she can be her under-study. :)
    Oh, I miss you.

    1. Of course I'm obsessed wif Adele. You and me are sistahs from anotha motha, so it makes perfect sense. Did you also tell Jason what I was thinking when Alicia Keys performed, which was, she may have been styled like a flight attendant on the Starship Enterprise, but she's still my go-to girl if and when I decide to flip the switch and bat for the same-sex team. Hot. Even when her hair looks like a pillbox hat and her tank top is made from foam.