Friday, April 6, 2012


We are just back from a five day camping trip for Spring Break.

We have decided as a family (okay, so my husband and I have decided) that Spring Break will always and forevermore be a family week. Because we have two daughters. Two reeeally pretty daughters. No seriously, we make 'em fine. And we don't ever want to see our pretty girls flashing their boobies for necklaces or doing body shots or going all cowboy ugly on YouTube.

Granted, they are only Seven and Nine but it's coming and don't pretend for a minute I'm not right because alcohol is potent this I know.

So we rented an RV and me, the traveling husband (who is, I need to mention, 6'4" and around 245 lbs), the two girls and the puppy (who is, I need to mention, 110 pounds of hairy jowl juice) all piled in and off we went to the coast for five relaxing days of board games and dog farts in enclosed spaces.

Here's a sampling of things I discovered while roughing it:

1. In April, the wind in Santa Cruz, California feels a lot like standing in a freezer while one angry person throws icicles at your body and some other relentless bitch holds ice cubes against your ears while your kids are all, Let'sgotothebeachagainI'mhungryWherearethesnacksI'mboredCanImakethefireDidwebringmybikeWhatarewedoingtomorrowCanwejusthavesmoresfordinnerETCETCETCETFUCKINGCETERA.

2. The board game "Beat the Parents" is fun. Also, sort of hard to win if you don't know the details around Harry Potter.

3. Your camping neighbors feel like safe, friendly people, but really, they could be into odd shit.

4. Goat farms smell really, really awful.

5. Goat cheese made at stinky goat farms is really, insanely delicious.

6. Last goat farm note: When there are over 100 female goats, and only two male goats, and their names are "Lucky" and "Macho Grande", it makes me think that goat people are really, really funny.

7. Sleepy girls will fight with each other about stuff that makes no sense, then cry, then protest whatever you tell them to do, even if it's what they were begging you for ten minutes prior.

8. After a few days of camping, you're dehydrated, and you smell like dust and fire.

9. Starting your period while camping in an RV where the "bathroom" is around the size of a postcard, is really fucking not awesome.

10. Looking at the Pacific Ocean and breathing deeply brings clarity to life.

11. Whatever size RV we ordered is smaller than the one we're getting next time. I can't have the dog sniffing my ass every time I get up to pour more wine. What am I, an appetizer?

12. Drinking wine and playing gin rummy with your husband while listening to Kenny Chesney on the iPhone by the fire as your dog eats cardboard and your kids play with your new neighbor's kid (even if they are into odd shit) doesn't suck.

Happy Easter!

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